Count down

Well I'm almost 30, and I'm not at all where I thought I would be at this age. Years ago, I dreamed and had high hopes that by 30, I would be married to a wonderful husband. A man who loves the Lord, his wife and his family -- someone who would be there with me through all my struggles and pain, sorrows, happy times, sickness, times calling for celebrations and times calling for crying. I reflect back on the good times I have had dating possible future mates -- and laugh a bit at how I analyzed the prospect of a future together. I've always been an analyzer -- perhaps I analyze life and others so often and thoroughly I've analyzed myself out of having a husband. I tears I shed tonight are not because I don't have hope for my future, knowing that God has someone out there for me -- someone who can love me for who I am and with the same love that he receives from Christ, but because I've added an extra decade of memories and life experiences that I haven't been able to share with that special person. There are days I wake up thinking that today is the day that I may meet the man of my dreams, but they never come to fruition. I simply don't want another decade to pass. I sound selfish, I know, but 10 years goes by so fast, and I know turning 40 in and of itself won't be easy. I remember when my mom turned 40 - my dad threw her a surprise party. My mom's friends from church and school and members of our family were there -- all waiting in our green carpeted living room -- in anticipation of the priceless look of astonishment on her face when she walked through the door. Even though I was a child, that memory will never fade, because it was such a special occasion. And what I'm sure, for my mom, made it even more special, was the fact that she was surrounded by her family - her husband and her three children, whom she loves dearly. I have also hoped and dreamed that I would have children by the age of 30, something else that clearly hasn't been the case for me. I have been blessed in that I have many friends who have children that I enjoy watching grow in the Lord and within their families, but I such a desire to have my own children that it is sometimes difficult for me....today must be one of those days. I am so thankful to God for getting me through school, for the career I have, and for being there for me countless times as I struggled through trials and situations that have made me into the person I am today. Without those life experiences, I would not appreciate and respect my parents as much as I do now, nor would I enjoy the time I get to spend with my dear friends as much as I do.

Our minds are made to wander, which is why I sit here writing this tonight.
Our hearts are made for loving, which is why I love God tonight.
Our souls are made for yearning, which is why I yearn for God's love tonight.

I love the Duncan Sheik song "Home" - it hit me tonight

Don't get me wrong, feeling okay
When I'm without you, it just not the same
Don't misunderstand me, I'm feeling all right
When I'm without you, the day turns into night

I dream of a future, a possible place
where we lie together, face to face
I'm now looking forward, I will not deny
I dream of a future, made for you and I

I am with you...
No longer alone...
When I'm with you...
Feels like I'm home...
You are with me...
No longer alone...
How can it be...
Feels like I'm home...

Look through the darkness, into the sky
The moon up above me, brilliantly shines
I've never been happier watching it glow
Here by myself, but I know I'm not alone

I look through the brightness, into the sky
The sun up above me, spitting out fire
Call me a child, call me nieve
The world is much brighter, than it ever used to be

I am with you...
No longer alone...
When I'm with you...
Feels like I'm home...
You are with me...
No longer alone...
How can it be...
Feels like I'm home...